For my old friend, Alan P., who may be amused.
Letter 6
On the Presbyterians
The Anglican religion only extends to England and Ireland. Presbyterianism is the dominant religion in Scotland. This Presbyterianism is nothing more than pure Calvinism as it was established in France and survives in Geneva. As the priests in this sect receive very small stipends from their churches, and so cannot live in the same luxury as bishops, they have taken the natural course of decrying honors they cannot attain. Picture the proud Diogenes trampling underfoot the pride of Plato - the Scottish Presbyterians are not unlike that proud and tattered reasoner. They treated Charles II with much less respect than Diogenes had treated Alexander. For, when they took up arms on his behalf against Cromwell, who had deceived them, they made the poor King put up with four sermons per day, they forbade him to play cards, and they sat him on the stool of repentance, with the result that Charles soon grew tired of being King of these pedants and escaped from their clutches like a schoolboy playing truant.
Compared with a young and lusty French student bawling in Theology Schools in the morning and singing with the ladies at night, an English theologian is a Cato, but this Cato looks like a gay young spark compared with a priest in Scotland. The latter affects a solemn gait and scowling expression, wears a huge hat, a long cloak over a short jacket, preaches through his nose, and gives the name of Whore of Babylon to all churches in which a few ecclesiastics are fortunate enough to have an income of fifty thousand livres and in which the people are good enough to put up with it and call them Monsignor, Your Lordship, and Your Eminence.
These gentry, who also have a few churches in England, have brought solemn and austere airs into fashion in this country. It is to them that we owe the sanctification of Sunday in the three kingdoms. On that day, both work and play are forbidden, which is double the severity of Catholic churches. There are no operas, plays, or concerts in London on Sunday. Even cards are so expressly forbidden that only people of standing and what are called respectable people play on that day. The rest of the nation goes to the sermon, the tavern, and the ladies of the town.
Although the Episcopal and Presbyterian sects are the two dominant ones in Great Britain, all the others are perfectly acceptable and live quite harmoniously together, whilst most of their preachers hate each other with almost as much cordiality as a Jansenist damns a Jesuit.
Go into the London Stock Exchange – a more respectable place than many a court – and you will see representatives from all nations gathered together for the utility of men. Here, Jew, Mohammedan, and Christian deal with each other as though they were all of the same faith, and only apply the word “infidel” to people who go bankrupt. Here, the Presbyterian trusts the Anabaptist and the Anglican accepts a promise from the Quaker. On leaving these peaceful and free assemblies, some go to the synagogue and others for a drink, this one goes to be baptized in a great bath in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, that one has his son’s foreskin cut and has some Hebrew words he doesn’t understand mumbled over the child, others go to their church and await the inspiration of God with their hats on, and everybody is happy.
If there were only one religion in England, there would be danger of despotism. If there were two, they would cut each other’s throats. But, there are thirty, and they live in peace and happiness.
From: Letters on England by Voltaire; translated from the French by Leonard Tancock (London: Penguin Books, 1980), pp. 40-41.
Voltaire (1694-1778), the pen name of Francois-Marie Arouet, was a French man of letters and a notorious (even for the France of his age) unbeliever. Voltaire spent three years in England (1726-1729), a country with which he was favorably impressed. On his return to France, he wrote this work (consisting of 25 letters on various subjects) – with his usual critical eye and sarcastic and ironic sense of humor – to explain to his countrymen what England was like, based on what he had seen and heard, for the purpose of making his readers understand that, at this period, England was a comparatively freer country, politically, socially, and religiously, than France was. The book, of course, was immediately banned, thus helping to make Voltaire’s point for him.